Friend after friend is posting about their struggles navigating this pandemic on social media. I think we are all hitting a wall with our patience. Even the most level headed and grounded of my friends are expressing exhaustion, sadness, worry, and frustration. We are tired of not being in control. We are tired of not being able to enjoy our lives the way we did. We are all suffering in different ways and to different degrees.
Trying to navigate all the changes in our lives from the pandemic reminds me of a book I read In college. I highly recommend it. It helps to reframe questions about suffering.
Play the Ball Where the Monkey Drops It: Why We Suffer and How We Can Hope
by Gregory Knox Jones.
The take away that comes back to me year after year is how vulnerable we [humans] are and have always been. When we are young, we believe we are invincible. We are risk takers and reckless as a whole. The older we get the more we understand that we are really at the mercy of others. Other people's decisions have direct and indirect implications on our lives. We like to believe we are in control and that what we experience (good or bad) is because of our own actions. The truth is our decisions and the way we navigate our lives on a day to day basis only accounts for a piece of what happens around us and to us.
Perhaps the best illustration of this happens on the road. When we are in a car we are at the mercy of the decisions of ever other driver around us. The most recent example is social distancing and face coverings in this pandemic. But it is also the media, politicians, local government, our co-workers, rioters and the weather. The list goes on. Collectively, we are experiencing a high concentration of negativity from outside our sphere of control. Our vulnerabilities are magnified.
The truth is…….we have never been fully in control. We created systems and routines that gave us a sense of control and security. Those systems and routines have been turned upside down in recent events. We don’t know who to believe, who to trust, or what to do. The fact is magnified right now because so much is out of our hands and control.
Because we are vulnerable to each other’s decisions and nature is why we need each other. It’s why we should put others first and be kind in our words, thoughts, and actions. When we can’t muster up the kindness…..relax, stay home, practice self-care and build up strength and patience. Because, just as we are vulnerable to other’s decisions, actions, and words……others are vulnerable to our decisions, actions, and words.
In his book, Gregory Knox tells the story that is the inspiration behind the book’s title.
"During colonial times the British living in India tried to play golf, only to be frustrated by monkeys who disrupted the game by chasing the golf balls and creating chaos. The British tried erecting fences and posting guards to keep the monkeys back, but eventually decided to play the ball where the monkey dropped it -- as we often must do in life, to live as best we can with forces that are beyond our control."
There are many forces beyond our control right now. What would it mean to us if we stopped trying to force our old life and expectations into this current reality? What if we decided to “play the ball where the monkey drops it”? What if we decided to play with only kindness?
I’ve been telling one of my girls a lot lately to put on some rose-colored glasses.
The last four months really have her in a funk. She is a cup 1/2 empty kinda girl to begin with but strip away her routine, her extra curriculars, her ability to socialize and add a 3/5 virtual school year and now the world most certainly hates her.
I know she’s not alone. I’ve noticed the grim perspective in my family members, co-workers, and friends too. More so than usual I should say. I have also felt consumed by negativity in recent years. When I feel stuck and trapped in my work or when I feel I have no options. Sound familiar? Do you feel that now? Stuck and trapped at home with more restrictions than options?
But that isn’t me. I am an eternal optimist by nature. People have always commented on my “pretty smile” and asked me how come I am always smiling. I didn’t know why so I didn’t answer the question. I just smiled back. Nothing has me really reflecting on the question like trying to figure out how to help my daughter. I want to all my kids, my family, my friends and you to be strong and resilient as we continue to navigate uncharted waters. So I’ve been asking myself where is that optimism? What is the root of it, how do I talk about it with my daughter and why do we want it anyway?
I’ve realized that I’ve always felt connected to “the good”. Even when I’m not experiencing goodness or good things, I always know there are better things to come and that there is good in the world. Even when I was depressed and grieving those were thoughts that came into my mind and kept me going. What is the good that I feel connected to? The spirit of goodness derived from being and knowing I am loved. For me this has always been grounded in my faith. I have always known that no matter how hard or bad something got the spirit of love is available to me. It surrounds me. If this feels far away or foreign to you, I’ll suggest a place to start in a min.
Ya’ll, I know what I need to do for my daughter. I need to love on my daughter more, go out of my way to love on her more. I see more hugs in her future. I will give her the gift of my time; intentional time. I will encourage her to make lists (I love lists!) of her blessings and keep a gratitude journal. I will keep telling her, for now, to put on some rose-colored glasses.
There are lots of theories about the origin of the phrase, “rose-colored glasses”. I like and resonate with the one about map makers. Map makers had special glasses because they spent hours focusing on small details. The lenses were easily scratched and it is said that mapmakers would use rose petals to clean those lenses. Over time, the oils from the rose petals would permanently tint the lenses rose-colored. So one meaning to saying someone looks at the world with rose-colored glasses is that you are focused on the details and ignoring the larger world around you.
Generally, this is a negative comparison. It is used to say that people aren’t living in and seeing reality. I’m saying that when we are exhausted by the world around us we need to take a break from it. "Rose-colored glasses” might just help us get that break.
Seeing the world differently, gaining a new perspective is going to take intentional effort and time. So, how do you get started? Put on some “rose-colored glasses”, look around at the details of your life for the love. Write down what you see. Give love to others.
There is no need to wear the glasses forever. Even the map makers took them off. Those “glasses” will act as a magnifier for now. When you feel refreshed, take them off. Continue to be intentional about noticing the good and connecting with the good amidst the larger world. It will be easier.
One last question to answer. Why do we want an optimistic perspective? Because it is easier to claim our joy!
Seek Joy; Find Happiness
OOOO Boy it’s hot! We’ve been having ice cream just about everyday. It’s a special treat that really hits the spot on hot day. Who am I kidding? Those of you who know me, know I love ice cream! I eat it year round. I’ve had ice cream for breakfast. We have ice cream for dinner occasionally at my house. That makes me the cool house sometimes:). Dairy has calcium and protein. It works right?!? I get it honestly. My grandma has some nightly before bed.
My favorite right now……fudge ripple, Reese’s pieces sundae! Just layer your chocolate syrup, melted peanut butter (yes you can melt it in the microwave and pour it over YUM!), whipped cream if you want and Reese’s pieces over the top of fudge ripple ice cream. Delicious!
I learned quite a bit working my first job at an ice cream shop and restaurant. It’s were I got the inspiration for my sundae. One of the things I learned was that businesses used generic products to cut costs. Growing up we used generic brands at my house because it was essential to being able to feed everyone. Some how I assumed businesses, restaurants, would use the best products (for me that equated to expensive). Most of us do it though, right, to save some change here and there on products. The change adds up to dollars and we save some cash. There are a few things that I am brand loyal too though. For instance, I like quaker oats oatmeal. I’ve tried all the generic versions and I don’t like them. The size and texture of the oats change the taste for me. Most things, though, I go for the generic. Even ice cream!
What I don’t skimp on are my essential oils. There are lots out there that claim to be pure. I’ve learned though that most of those cheaper oils are not pure. They have been over processed and include unnecessary ingredients and in some cases preservatives. I’ve researched companies and with most, I couldn’t get ingredient lists or even location of the product source. They throw around terms like complete, pure, and therapeutic but can’t (or won’t) define what that means. All those words sound good but does it mean that their product really is good? No, It doesn’t.
I was relieved and excited when I discovered Young Living had the Seed to Seal promise. They are transparent about their products, the ingredients, sourcing, and processing. Their Seed to Seal promise focuses on sourcing, science, and standard. They have evidence based research behind their product and its benefits. They use the science to produce and process quality products that meet the highest of standards. They’ve been around longer than any other American essential oil company. They don’t just ask or suggest you trust them, they prove to you that you can trust their products.
So skimp on your ice cream if you want, but don’t skimp on your essential oils!
Feeling tired lately? Worn out and not knowing why? Check your bandwidth. Your emotional bandwidth that is.
Working from home and virtual learning taxed our internet bandwidth at the end of spring so much so that internet companies were temporarily increasing data plans at no cost. There are six of us in our home that enjoy using the bandwidth, sometimes on multiple devices at the same time. Our internet was still slow and our bill was still inflated with the temporary gift. When we went on to manage the devices there were seventeen devices on it! ALL ON! We were streaming multiple movies at the same time, zooming up the wazoo and carrying our friends around in the palm of our hand. We were taxing our internet bandwidth.
Bandwidth is the maximum amount of data transmitted over an internet connection in a given amount of time. We were pulling in A LOT of information, even on devices were weren’t aware were connected.
The same thing happens to us. Each of us has an emotional bandwidth. It’s the maximum amount of emotional energy we can expend in a given time.
Has your routine been upset? Are you navigating new expectations from your boss? Are you worried about catching the corona virus and spreading to your family? Have you lost the little private time you had because everyone is always home? Are you concerned about losing your job? Does your heart hurt for the loss of a loved one or the continued injustices extended our friends and neighbors. Do you want to visit a friend but can’t? Still out of toilet paper? Why is it always raining? Are you worried what school and routine will look like in the fall? Are you hoping to never have a swab shoved up your nose? Upset about how the government is handling the pandemic, unemployment, rioting? Can’t stop scrolling social media? Feel like you are watching the news on repeat?
Just getting through that paragraph was hard. Am I right! We might think we are handling the emotional strain well, but everything has changed. Not much feels the same. We are bombarded with negative information, even drawn to it and, it wears us down. It taxes our emotional bandwidth. Even when we say we are scrolling past negative social media posts, our brain has seen it and processed parts of it. We take in a lot of information and energy on the daily, but it is more than those things we consciously process.
It’s like our skin, the largest organ of our body and the first defense against environmental toxins. It is a barrier to the outside but it is also a sponge. Things get into our system that we aren’t aware of.
Things, people, and many issues are taxing our emotional bandwidth that we aren’t aware of too. That post you scrolled past, that comment from your brother, not being able to gather with your faith community, four zoom calls in a row, constant searching for ways you “give back” because it doesn’t feel like you are doing your part the way our healthcare workers are. Getting frustrated because others are not doing and sacrificing as much as you? Saddened because people don’t understand or respect your choices?
Hopefully, these questions help you see quickly our emotions are strained. Let’s care for and protect our emotional bandwidth and realize each of us has a different emotional capacity.
Have you reached your capacity? Check in with your feelings. Determine how saturated your bandwidth is. Only you will know that for sure.
Are you recognizing signs of emotional strain in yourself? In your loved ones? Tired? Change in appetite? Moody and irritable? Board but not interested in your hobbies? Drinking more wine?
Talk with your spouse, family or a close friend about feeling emotionally strained. Ask them if they have checked in on their emotional bandwidth. Consider talking to a counselor or therapist. No shame there! I benefit from it.
Take some action steps to reduce the saturation of your emotional bandwidth. Need ideas?
- Reduce your time on social media
- Go through and clean the negativity out of your feed
- Call a friend instead of text
- Drink lots of water
- Exercise
- Limit your time watching the news.
- Engage in activities that feed your soul even if/when you don’t want to.
- Take a bath with your lavender epson salt soak
- Spend time outside
- Plan intentional family time
Looking for one specific thing to do? CLAIM JOY WITH US!
My sisters and I believe that recognizing collective moments of joy leads to happiness. We are working on taking time each day to notice those small moments that bring smiles to our faces and joy to our hearts. Together we can create a collaborative digital journal for JOY and inspire each other! Claim your joys with us on Facebook at Joy By Oils.
#letsclaimjoy #claimingjoy
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.
~ Oprah Winfrey
P.S. Take care of your skin to people:)
